


Soulless eyes shining

by DramaticBlue



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: And killua needs a hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Babies, Blood, Death, Fluff and Angst, For the sake of like yea, Gon is best boy, Gon isnt brought up til like the middle, Implied abuse/family being abusive, Implied/mentioned panic attacks, It does get fluffy though, It has all the warnings but, Its literally just killua expressing his feelings and emotions, Just killaus thoughts, Klillua def has ptsd, Like it isnt complete angst, One Shot, Other, P l e a s e read the notes, PTSD, Set after gon saves (takes) killua from his home after the hunter exam, There isnt really any like, Theres no actions, They arent doing anything, Theyre 12, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, neither very descriptive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29600883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticBlue/pseuds/DramaticBlue
Summary: At the age of 12, typically you'd be running around outside with friends and getting silly toys as gifts. Basking in the summer sun, cheering at yet another victory of the game you're playing; happy and safe.Killua isn't one of those children. He never had that in life; never felt safe.Not until he met Gon.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Kudos: 20





	Soulless eyes shining

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings;  
> Yea so  
> Death  
> Angst  
> Sadness  
> Blood  
> Abuse/family being abusive (not described but mentioned /implied heavily. I didn't actually write scenes including it)  
> Pretty much self hate  
> Implied/mentioned panic attacks

At the age of 12, typically you'd be running around outside with friends and getting silly toys as gifts. Basking in the summer sun, cheering at yet another victory of the game you're playing; happy and safe.

Not a murderer.

Yet, Killua is. He's never had friends, he barely even knows what friends mean; and silly toys? He gets things he asks for, take his skateboard for example, but toys? They're not anything he's familiar with. 

Everyone around him either addresses him formally, "Master Killua" or are a family member who he despises for their cruel ways. Everyone but one person, his sister Alluka. She's the only person he can even consider being close too, but it's difficult to express that with eyes watching him from every corner, analyzing every breath he takes.

It isn't just family or the workers.

He's haunted by the lives he took, their hate manifesting in his mind. He was trained to be cold, emotionless, yet he can't seem to fully shove away the guilt of taking those lives. He pretends well, acting as though he doesn't acknowledge the blood forever staining his hands, no matter how hard he scrubs and scrubs, turning them raw with the sheer force. He doesn't want to feel that way. He doesn't want to feel the guilt bubbling in his throat, tip toeing on the tip of his tongue.

He's stuck in the darkness of the world, learning such cruel things. 

"It's needed." He tells himself, "they had to die," another whisper. He promises himself that it needs to be done, that he can't ignore what he needs to do, but it never erases the guilt. Those people had families like himself.

Yet he killed them. He was ordered to kill them and he did. At first he refused, but everything was threatened. They threatened him with things that he couldn't lose. So he did it. He likes to think he's numb to it, that after the first time he didn't throw up in the bathroom, away from prying eyes and sharp ears. That he didn't spend an hour or two sitting in a bath with freezing waters, to try to numb himself from the pain. To wash off the dried blood coating his skin. He burned those clothes, he recalls. No one asked questions. He wonders why.

He's cursed, he deems after one sleepless night, the shadows curling at his feet, mocking his being. He isn't afraid of the dark. It's what lurks within that frightens him. 

Cold, emotionless, murderer, assassin, coward, weak, worthless. Words branded on him. Shoved into his soul, weighing him down, pulling him further down into the abyss of his mind. 

Until he found light. 

Friend, kind, best friend ever, Killua. Words lifting him high echoed in his head, all spoken by one person, someone that's considered the sun in Killua's eyes. Someone who shines so brightly even in the darkest hour. Who holds so much determination to help those in need; who's heart is made out of gold. 

He's different from him, Gon. Gon wasn't raised to be a murderer. He wasn't raised to withstand high levels of poison or know how to wash blood off. 

Gon hasn't been touched by that ever shifting darkness, waiting to claim yet another victim. But Gon shined too bright.

Killua admires Gon. He considers Gon as a friend, one who he loves dearly. 

He never knew what love was until he met Gon. It baffles him how much Gon has shown him, simply in emotion. How to care, how to be happy, how to be protective, how to love. 

Things that would have gotten him punished once upon a time.

He betrayed his family. Left without guilt. How could he feel guilty for them? They made him into this, a monster.

'No,' he could practically hear Gon speak, "you're not a monster Killua! You're my friend!" 

It's so easy to imagine the smile on Gons face, eyes twinkling with child-like innocence, something Killua lacked. 

Does he feel envy? Is he jealous over the innocence Gon holds? How Gon looks at everything with starry eyes, and an accepting welcome. 

He tries to see the good in everyone, while Killua only sees the bad.

Does Gon truly have flaws?

He does, Killua knows this, yet they aren't forming in his head. He can't accept it.

Gon is a little too stubborn. He could get himself hurt or worse. But that stubbornness has pushed him past many obstacles that most would have given up on.

He's a little too welcoming. Seeing the best in people can be convenient, but sometimes those people aren't good. They're bad. They could hurt or betray Gon. But it can gain allies, friends. It wins people over.

How could those be flaws? 

Killua doesn't know.

If he looked at himself, all he sees are flaws. All he sees is the blood coating his skin, splashing colour onto his otherwise pale complexion. A striking difference, one that can't be ignored.

Gon makes him see differently. 

He sees a 12 year old with some issues, but is trying. Someone cat-like, as he's often told. Someone who does his best to help people instead of hurting them. Someone who wants to protect someone dear to him.

For a moment, he can push past the haunting eyes, and focus on Gons honey brown ones, shining with life.

He loves Gon. 

Gon accepted him. Gon isn't bothered by his past. Gon went through hell trying to reach him when he went back home. Gon is there for him. 

How could he begin to explain how much Gon means to him?

Killua isn't sure. There's too many words, none that truly describe how he feels.

He's not healed. He has nightmares, he flinches, he feels sick at the sight of blood. But he's trying. 

Gon helped him see the world in a different light.

Suppressing emotions? He can't do that now. He cries when he's sad, he smiles when he's happy, he scolds when he's worried, he gets mad. 

He's learning.

He's healing. He's helping himself. 

Gon helped him through so many sleepless nights. 

He wishes he's done enough for Gon. That Gon knows how much he means to him. How much Killua wants to protect the innocence Gon holds. Maybe he does know. Killua isn't sure. Either way, he wishes one day Gon will know. That he'll be able to express how much he means to him.

Maybe one day, he'll see something other than his past staring back at him. Maybe he won't see his own soulless blue eyes glaring at him; reflecting how numb he is. 

He's healing. And that's okay. He knows, he knows it takes time. He's trying his best. He's getting himself back. Thanks to Gon giving him a little shove in the right direction, showing him life has more to it than the dull black and white. 

"Killua! Come on!" A voice shouts, shaking Killua out of his thoughts.

He looked up, his eyes locking with honey eyes, flickering to the bright grin stretched across his face. With a fond shake of his head, Killua stood up, "I'm coming Gon."

Little by little he'll heal. He has people who care for him after all.

The end

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So I just wanted a soft thing but ofc i had to make it angsty first  
> There isn't really actions or anything  
> Its mostly Killua expressing his feelings  
> So they don't do anything jendjsns  
> Physically  
> I don't think I explained that right bUT ANYWAYS  
> (Killuas love for gon doesn't have to be romantic, you can view it however you'd like. I didn't intend for it to be romantic due to the fact they're children bUT; it can be viewed that way by readers?????????)
> 
> anyways feedback is highly appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
